Sunday, August 26, 2012

2 My Zahir

I've just realized recently, I still have feelings for the jerk who left me.. Its been more than a year but I just cant seem to move on. Or more like I didnt give myself enough time to move on. I busied myself with other things. denied the fact that I still cared for him. I buried it deep inside my heart making myself believe that i'm okay.. that i will be okay.. but i guess things just doesnt roll that way. I need to confront my feelings so that I can finally live in peace without his shadow hanging over my heart. I need to sort things out with myself. Before it destroys my current relationship. don't get me wrong. I love the guy. Its just that i cant help myself thinking about the stupid ex and I don't like it. I think its unfair for my current bf. I want to give him my whole heart but the shadow is still there. I dont know how actually i'll do it, but i need to do it. I dont have any communication with the ex now so i think it will be the best for us. I need to let go of my feelings for him. i don't want to be a slave of my past anymore. life is short to be unhappy. :) betrayal and sufferings may come your way but dont let it get to you much. yes you can cry, God knows how good it makes you feel, then lick your wounds and move on. Thats life. accept it. you have no choice. Time doesn't stop when you decide to stop living. You will just be left behind. These are the lessons that I learned the hard way and I don't want to go back there anymore. I want to be free.

 I'm not the type of person who shows emotions much. I grew up that way. I don't want to cry cause I believe that it will make me look weak. I have always shown a hard facade, always concealing my emotions. But in the end, all that i needed was just a good cry and i'm done. Oh and writing helps too. I just recently discovered. Its therapeutic. I read in the book, The Zahir by Paolo Coelho that when you share your story to other people, it becomes your past. (I recommend the book it. its a nice read.) I think that is what i lack. I always keep emotions bottled up inside of me that there's no way out but to burst.

"Suffering occurs when we want other people to love us in the way we imagine we want to be loved, and not in the way that love should manifest itself - free and untrammeled, guiding us with its force and driving us on." - The Zahir, Paulo Coelho

“I love you” doesn't really mean that I want you to be mine again. In fact, it’s another way of saying, “I’m happy to see you happy even if its with someone new. Thank you for leaving my life” Yeah, so I guess I love you.

Goodbye to you my past. This time, I MEAN IT. :)



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